What on earth is happening fellow Noooobs! Goodness it has been a day or two hasn’t it! I have to say nothing has made me happier than going back through and reading this blog after so long away… it feels like coming back to my roots. I love all of the discussion that was sparked with some posts and just the pure passion I can see from myself in the words.
I moved on from this blog looking for something – and I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I’ve been searching for. Through this crazy journey I’ve learned some stuff, I’ve struggled, I’ve found true happiness as well as true defeat. I figured while I’m working through this existential “purpose of life” stuff why not bring it back to where I started and maybe (hopefully) pull an Oprah and figure my whole life out.
When I finished up school to be a Nutritionist I was firey with such passion and drive – I did literally anything and everything to follow my dream. That passion and determination brought me all the way to the West Coast (like some cheesy 90’s song). When you move across the country it does two things: It sparks your dreams and desire for adventure while simultaneously draining your bank account. When we got here I got offered a safe, comfortable and stable (are those not the three most cringe-worthy words….) job. It wasn’t a job I was passionate about or had love for or wanted to invest my life to but it provided us with stability to grow our life out here.
I knew that I was on borrowed time trying to fit myself like a square peg in a round hole – doing the whole business casual, office dwelling, email forwarding, desk sitting thing. I just don’t think I knew just how draining that can be for your spirit, self-worth, goals and dreams – until a few nights ago. We were up watching “Naked and Afraid” one Friday night (I hope all of you have seen this wicked show and if you haven’t…go. now. and then come back to me.) and I started having these heart palpitations. Initially I was like “wow my empathy levels are through the roof I’m actually feeling stressed out for these crazy wilderness humans”! and then… I realized that my heart was pounding in my ears because I was going through stress cycles. I was starting to get internally panicked about having to go to work the next day and then being washed over with relief that it was Friday and I wouldn’t have to go back for two days. UM PARDON ME?! That is not life that is called torture.
I have this profound feeling of “lost”. Not necessarily lost in the world – I have an extremely happy, healthy and fulfilling personal life that brings so much light to my life it’s outrageous. Think beams of sunlight crushing you in happiness – that’s what my life is like….outside of work. But my question is why can’t that feeling exist both in your personal space and professional space? I feel like I’m constantly trying to fit into something and I really am not clear on what that is. I have worked to create a Nutritional “practice” while mirroring my work off of others that have carved their own path in the industry. But what good does that do? I’m not them, they don’t have my voice or my feelings or my exceptionally high sarcasm levels…Why am I trying so hard to be them and be in their space. I want to create my own space!!
I never was a person that ever fit…anywhere. And goodness before we start throwing on some Death Cab and having a good old high school Emo cry sesh lets pump the brakes here Hollie. I have just always been a person that pushed myself, my boundaries, my interests… I want a lot from myself and for myself and it’s about damn time I got back on that train.
We’ll call this part 1 of my journey through a mid-twenties life crisis (or some other melodramatic thing to call it)